Seriously, it’s been a weird week. When I stepped back from the blog, I found out something interesting. A few things, actually. I’ll share them momentarily.

I’ll also share this chocolate chip streusel banana bread, which is heaven. How can it not be? It’s the most perfect banana bread, all filled and topped with chocolate chips and the most delightful, crumbly streusel.

Back when JAB began, I had just come away from a traumatic life event. I’ve talked about it before, and so I’ll just quickly summarize. My youngest daughter had a dangerous birth with an abrupted placenta, and both she and I went into distress. I remember looking at the ceiling as everything went blurry, struggling to breathe, watching Kenny tending to the baby and thinking, “I’m going to die alone.” It was not a moment I’d like to repeat, though someday I will, of course.

Afterward, I blamed myself. She’d been breech, and I’d been doing a lot of alternative methods to try and turn her, like acupuncture and chiropractic maneuvers. All of these were doctor-approved, and when I asked the doctor afterward if it could have caused the trauma, he insisted that it was just bad luck and nothing more. But somebody  close to the family suggested to me that it had been my fault, and no matter how vehemently I denied it to her, I was angry and forlorn.

Thus began a year of not being that nice to myself. I was probably suffering some form of postpartum depression as well, and I set about holding myself accountable for both things that were in and out of my control. I sought perfection, and it wasn’t sustainable. I began to heal.

JAB was part of my healing process. I gave myself permission to be fun for a while and to try new things. I took up the guitar, started this blog, and began trying things I’d never tried before. I wanted to see what I could do, however imperfectly. It was humbling. I stink at the guitar, but I love it. The blog has been just fine, but not anything super special. And I’m not perfect, but boy, I’d like to think that I’m special.

Along the road, I met lots of blog friends who supported me. Alice and Dorothy, who continued to help me whenever I needed it despite the fact that they are big news and I am not. So many big-time bloggers never give anyone the time of day, but they did. I will always consider them friends. Cheyanne and Annie and Kate, who felt like friends in the struggle, and who are all magnificent. Gayle, who has achieved so much so quickly. Lisa, whose sense of humor I relate to like crazy. And endless more people I spent parts of my virtual week with. I’ll still visit their blogs, but I’ll miss the interaction.

What I discovered on my week off is that I am still as busy as I was before, but I have the space now to give everybody and everything a little more time. My children now have more of my undivided attention on weekends, and that’s priceless. Plus, for the first time in years, I picked up a spiritual text and started reading it. I’ve been avoiding religious texts since the incident years ago, not sure of how to tackle some of my biggest spiritual questions. Now I want to face my fears and get on with living.

As I said last week, I’m taking a break. I don’t know how permanent this is, or if I’ll miss JAB so much that I’ll be back within a few weeks. No idea. But I have to give myself this time, and we’ll go from there. Hope your autumn goes beautifully, and I’ll miss you for now!

Baked apples are a classic American dessert, but I’ve upped the ante by coring them, filling them with a simple streusel, and drizzling (pouring, maybe?) salted caramel on top. And we can totally call this a healthy dessert because, you know, apple. Right? Hey, it’s fruit!

This is a fireside kind of dessert, the kind that you share with family members on game night or some equally idyllic situation. These are impossible not to love, unless you have no soul. I’m feeling very objective today.

This past weekend, Kenny and I had a night by the fire. It was a redo of our New Year’s Eve, the first of which crashed and burned at eight o’clock when our son’s stomach virus erupted everywhere. Yes, I’m being literal. Nobody wants a romantic dinner for two after cleaning that up.

It’s getting harder and harder to stay awake long enough to last through date night. Back in the day, I could guzzle drinks with the smug knowledge that I had nowhere to go and nothing to do in the morning. But when you have kids, that whole game changes suddenly and irrevocably.

Not only have I not owned an alarm clock since 2008, but I have also not awakened past 6:30. And that’s on the very best of days. There are too many children and even more viruses at play to count on a later wake-up time. As a result, my body is hardwired to wake up on weekends at 5:30. Any date nights need to take that little hitch into account.

Take last night, for example. Our youngest is ready for a real bed, but she really loves her crib. We’ve tried to move her out to no avail, and last night she seemed eager to move. So into her older sister’s room she went into a twin bed that swallowed her tiny body whole. Around 12:45, she freaked out because her sister went to the bathroom and she thought she would be alone forever. And at 2 A.M., she started screaming that she wanted to “go back to my room.” And back in her crib she went. I know, I know, I’m weak. But she was screeching the house down, and nobody was getting any sleep.

When Kenny is awakened by children (which happens less for him because he just doesn’t hear them), he can immediately fall back asleep. I, on the other hand, will lie awake in a state of pure tension waiting for someone to wake up again, unable to stop my mind from racing. I wish that I could make my brain stop, but it’s just not possible. So nights like that mean no sleep for Mir. And that means I don’t drink on date night, and I sure don’t stay up past 10. It’s a shame, but what are you gonna do?

Eat a healthier-than-usual dessert, that’s what. The hardest part of this recipe is coring the apples, so I’d recommend having a corer or melon baller around if you’re not handy with a knife. But once you’ve done that, the rest is easy.

The oat-based streusel in each apple takes seconds to prepare, and you drizzle prepared salted caramel topping over the baked apple. It’s such a cozy dessert. I think it’s kind of required to eat this while wrapped in a fuzzy blanket while wearing equally fuzzy slippers.

If you’re about getting healthy this season, this dessert is the one. It’s healthy with just a splash of decadence, making it a perfect choice. Whether you have an early wake-up call or a chance to sleep in late, this will make your evening worthwhile!