This is the chocolate month, the time when everyone forgets their healthy resolutions, turning straight to the chocolate lava cake. It’s only human nature. We can’t be deprived for extended periods.

So if you’re gonna do the chocolate, make bark. It’s a cheap and easy gift for a loved one, or you can eat it all yourself. I have a video tutorial below plus a step-by-step recipe, so keep reading!

I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but 95% of all diets fail. America is a country ruled by diets and a thriving fitness industry, and yet we’re in a health crisis. How is that possible?

Simple, really. When you try and sustain impossible behavior, it all comes crumbling down. Dieting at its core is all about the word “no.” Diets focus on what you can’t eat: dairy, or carbs, or sugar, or anything a caveman didn’t eat, or all of the above. Who wants a voice in their head constantly telling them that what they’re doing is wrong?

Seriously, if people talked to one another the way that their inner voices talk to them sometimes, they’d get slapped. We’ve somehow been taught that self-shaming isn’t just acceptable: it’s desirable. That, my friends, is a load of garbage. When did deprivation become a virtue? When did dieting become a way of life? Because here’s the thing. You ready?

If you’re dieting all the time, it’s probably not working. Seriously. It’s one thing to live with a healthy mindset and goals and quite another to base life upon what you will not let yourself have, and to constantly go back and forth with those arbitrary rules. I’m not a fan.

Message? Stop dieting. Start eating bark. Always works for me!

Bark is easy to put together, makes a great gift, and can be customized to any holiday or occasion. It takes just a few minutes (plus a half hour of chill time) to get it going. Take a look!

When all’s said and done, wouldn’t you rather spend time engaging in self-love and acceptance? Denial is never good, in life or in food. So say yes to yourself today, and say yes to some bark!

But if you use Halloween as an excuse, up the ante with some fabulous bark. It’s easy to make, not to mention easier to eat. And it’s full of Halloween candy!

Yep, you’ve got that right. Candy pumpkins, check. Kit Kats, check. Reese’s PB cups, check. Hershey bars, check. Whoppers, check. Oh, and let’s not forget about the lovely sprinkles. Or the milk and white chocolate swirly base. Now do I have your attention?

My attention has been wandering of late. It’s kind of hard to stay focused on any one thing. I read an article a few years back that tried to prove that while men like to focus on one thing at a time, women are more cognitively apt to try and do many things at the same time. In other words, women are natural multitaskers. Which means that as I’m writing this, I have a pie in the oven, a pile of laundry next to me that I fold between sentences, and a child asking me questions in my right ear that I may or may not be answering.

Any number of experts will inform us that when we try to do several things at the same time, none of them get done well. Those experts can kiss my a$$. Ask them how daily to-do lists can get accomplished by doing one thing at a time, and see what they say. Unless your daily list has about three items on it, I don’t see how that can work.

Before we had children (i.e., B.C.), Kenny and I would talk around 11:30 each workday morning. Our phone conversations would go like this:

Kenny: How’s your day going?

Mir: It’s cool. I’m getting a ton done. I’m so tired.

Kenny: Really? It’s only 11:30!

Mir: It’s my lunchtime. I’ve already taught for four straight hours, paid the bills and made a doc appointment. What are you up to?

Kenny: Um…I took a shower.

Yep, those were the days. But Kenny, in all his manly glory, never felt bad about easing into his day and not getting each item duly checked off the to-do list that, admittedly, I created for him. And he still doesn’t really mind. I’m pretty jealous.

One thing I wonder about is whether doing so many things at one time is bad for the attention span. I do know that I’m very guilty of only half-listening to anything a child of mine is asking at any given time. Which is why these conversations happen:

Boy, Age Seven: Mommy, can I take the bag of lollipops upstairs to my room?

Mir: (absently) Sure, honey. (a minute passes) Wait, what?!

See? Not paying full attention is dangerous. Or if you’re my kid, it’s pretty great. The Boy had a whole bag of Dum-Dums up in his room (and was partway into his second) before I realized I’d been checked out.

Whenever I eat dessert, though, I try to make mindfulness a priority. I really focus on whatever is going into my mouth, and then it’s an even better experience. To be completely clear, I had no trouble whatsoever focusing on this Halloween candy bark. How could I think about anything else?

The base of this bark is milk chocolate (my personal favorite, so my apologies to you foodies who love the 90% dark), swirled with some white chocolate. On top, I piled all of my favorite chocolate bar goodness, plus those cute little candy pumpkins. I can never resist adorable.

Bark is a really great solution to the question, “I’ve got five minutes and fifty things to do, and I need to produce a treat for my kid’s class/my office party/my own sanity. What can I bake?”

In other words, this stuff comes together fast. Chill time is another matter, but 30 minutes in the fridge and you’re good to go.

My older daughter just walked up to me and asked me for tape. I have no idea why she wanted tape, but I was distracted, so I gave it to her. Why do I feel like my divided attention is going to result in my getting very upset in just a few minutes’ time? But that’s the price of multitasking!

At least I can focus on dessert. That’s really the important thing, anyway. Everything else can get done with little bits of my focus. It’s all about priorities!

For years, I’ve been a chocolate bark addict. It’s even deadlier when you fill it with almonds. Hey, you need your protein! This is practically a health food, y’all. I’m sure Gwyneth would approve. Not that I need her approval, or want it.

I used to be a huge Gwyneth Paltrow fan. She made this movie called Sliding Doors about a woman who lives through two different life scenarios, all starting when one version of her makes a train while the other version misses it. I friggin’ love that movie. If you haven’t seen it, add it to whatever list you keep on hand. It was made quite some time ago, back when Gwyneth was acting instead of telling real women that her life is much harder than theirs.

Sorry if I’m sounding a little nasty, but I still find it hard to believe that a celebrity with endless help and resources actually tried to one-up mothers in this country by stating that her life is more complex and difficult to manage. First of all, I doubt that’s true. But even if her existence is really fraught with more challenges than mine or anyone else’s, I know for a fact that she’s being paid a lot more for the trouble.

That aside, I’m not sure where anyone gets off playing the my-life-is-harder-than-your-life game. Whatever people see out there in the world isn’t really what’s happening behind closed doors. A lot of people look like they have perfect lives with everything together, but people struggle privately. Nobody can really say for certain what it’s like to be somebody else.

I once had a teacher who told us that there was a study in which people were told to write down their troubles on a piece of paper and put it on a table in front of the other participants. Then, they were told they could pick out a new list of problems from the table, any list at all that someone else had created. Every single person took her own paper back.

You see, we all have our problems, but we’re used to them, and we also fear the unknown. We also have no business borrowing trouble. So, Gwyneth Paltrow, get back to making movies I like and stop with all the lifestyle stuff. I don’t want to hear about why it’s tougher to be you. It’s just not cool.

What is totally cool is making this bark. If I’m pretending to be a lifestyle guru for point two seconds, I’ll suggest that this makes a great gift for a fraction of the cost of any other purchased gourmet food gift. That should be motivation enough to get you going.

The key to making good chocolate bark is to remember a few things. Rule number one: use a good-quality chocolate. I like to buy the nicer baking chocolate bars in the grocery store. Rule number two: instead of sprinkling the almonds on top, mix them into the melted chocolate before pouring it onto your surface to set. Rule number three: don’t spread the melted chocolate too thin. You want a nice, thick bark. And finally, if you don’t have a silicone baking mat, use parchment paper. Otherwise, you could be dealing with a sticky mess at the end.

If you want to have a really good evening, make this bark and eat it along with a viewing of Sliding Doors. I want to love Gwyneth again, I really do. And the best way for us to be friends again us for me to remember what a good actress she can be. Then nobody has to compare her life with anyone else’s to come out on top. That’s a dangerous game, my friends!

If you read my blog with any regularity, you know that my children are constantly infecting me with diseases. I can’t seem to make them stop. And while I’ve grown reconciled to the common cold, I wish that stomach viruses could stop being the number one thing my kids transmit on a regular basis.

Who wants to spend two to three days in bed, hating food and moaning? I love food. And right now, it’s hard to write about it because I am once again diseased.

The good news is, I tried this bark before the sickness hit. And as someone who isn’t too fond of anything with mint, I still ate a few pieces because it was just that good.

Making swirled bark is easy and more importantly, super pretty. To make this, I melted chocolate chips and those Hershey candy cane kisses in separate bowls. I layered the two and gently swirled with a knife. I didn’t want to over-swirl.

What resulted was this really pretty bark. It looks kind of like cherry, or berry, but it’s mint! And it’s perfect for those holiday gift bags or tins.

To be super honest, I can’t write much more about food right now. Too painful, folks. I’m going to curl up in bed now and groan with my Netflix streaming. But for those of you who don’t have yucky infections, this bark is the perfect holiday treat!

Enter my favorite quick recipe, so easy I hesitate to call it a recipe: bark!  Two ingredients, everyone. Get excited!

I love making bark and almost never buy it because really, why? You can customize flavors as you choose, and it’s pretty much the work of a couple of minutes, plus the 30 minutes of required chill time.

There are exceptions, of course. Trader Joe’s makes really good bark, so I love buying that. And Godiva’s chocolate almond bark is a good splurge. But other than that, I’ve been known to kind of huff and turn my nose up at store-bought bark, especially if it has no creative flavor action going on.

It’s with that thought in mind that I made this bark. Trader Joe’s makes a great holiday-edition caramel corn, totally addictive. Some of the popcorn is covered in chocolate, and there are a bunch of nuts in there, too. All kinds. It’s really my crack, if you must know. I buy it and tell myself I’ll only have a bit, and then yeah.

So of course, it made total sense to put a bunch of this addictive substance into bark. Why not? Just imagine Moose Munch in a bark, and that’s what we’re dealing with here. The Trader Joe’s version is pretty much the same thing, and it’s delicious.

This bark can be wrapped up and gifted to people, so think about it as a fantastic holiday season option! And if you can’t get to Trader Joe’s, any caramel corn and nut mixture will do. There’s never a need to buy bark when you can make it so quickly! Try it and enjoy.

Hold on to your hats. Because I never realized that bark, one of the best treats ever, could be made in cookie form. Guess what? Epiphany time, people!

I was in the grocery store minus my children (wow, am I ever with them?) the other day, which is known in my world as a vacation. It was so lovely. I was wandering up and down aisles, looking at packaging without having to tune out a baby shrieking in my ear or feeling harassed, when I came upon the Brownie Brittle display. Have you seen that stuff? Basically, there are several different flavors of these thin, crispy brownie pieces. Some of them have chocolate chips, others toffee. It doesn’t really matter. The point is, when you bite in, you taste brownie. And I wanted to do the same thing, but with a cookie instead. So cookie bark was born!

It’s fun. And you know what? It’s also egg-free. If you want to eat the dough while you’re putting it all together, it won’t hurt you a bit. Talk about a bonus!

The dough is a perfect base for any mix-ins you like. This time I chose mini M & Ms, but you can use chocolate chips, toffee bits, chopped up peanut butter cups…the possibilities are endless! And you can be very sure I’ll be exploring all those options.

This bark fulfills so many taste cravings. Do you like crunchy food? Check. Sugar? Check. Chocolate? Check! Cookies? Need we ask?!

It’s so easy. You just press the dough onto a Silpat baking sheet or parchment paper, bake for a bit, and then smash the bark into pieces in a totally haphazard and inexact way. Then you store it away in a container, unless you’ve eaten it all. I kind of went a bit crazy eating the dough, but still had some bark left. Not a lot. Some.

On a totally unrelated (okay, mildly related) topic, I got this awesome mug in Williamsburg that pretty much sums me up. I think it explains my passion for sugar perfectly:

There. I just laughed. Now grab those beaters, people! Time to take bark to a whole new level.

Ingredients:

• 2 sticks unsalted butter, softened to room temperature
• 1/2 cup firmly packed brown sugar
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 and 1/2 teaspoons vanilla
• 2 cups flour
• 1 cup mini M & Ms

Instructions:

Preheat the oven to 350. Line a cookie sheet with a silicone baking sheet or parchment paper.

In the bowl of a stand mixer, cream the butter and sugars until fluffy. Add the salt and vanilla and mix again. Finally, add the flour gradually and beat until combined.

Press the cookie dough evenly onto the baking sheet, making a flat layer that spreads out to the edges. Put the pan into the oven and bake for 25 minutes until the edges are browned and the middle is set.

Allow the pan to cool. Break the cookie bark into pieces with your hands and store in an airtight container.

Anyway, this past week, I messed up. An intern’s birthday somehow slipped through my fingers. I promised to make it up to him and he told me that the easiest way to make him happy was to incorporate Oreos into whatever I was baking.

I’ve noticed something about Oreos: they have the same fanatic fan base that my beloved peanut butter cups do. And like any loyal fan, Oreo devotees accept no generic substitutes. It has to be Oreo or bust. I understand completely. I accept no peanut butter cup that’s not a Reese’s.

But I digress. It was a busy weekend. My nephew had his second birthday, my son’s birthday is coming up this week, and we had endless social engagements. No, we’re not popular. Weekends just have a way of filling up.

When I’m short on time, I make bark. It’s quick, it’s easy, and it’s so addictive. I could sit on my couch watching Parenthood episodes and eating bark for hours on end. It’s an open canvas. You can pretty much make any bark your heart tells you to make.

So this was a no-brainer. I went to the store, bought a bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips, a bag of white chocolate chips, and a package of Oreos. Those three ingredients and five minutes were all I needed.

The end result is highly satisfying. The bark is all pretty with swirls of chocolate and crumblings of tantalizing Oreo. It literally melts in your mouth, but still has a satisfying crunch from the cookie. And if people eat it all up in two seconds flat, then you can make another batch in no time at all!

Plus, this makes a great gift. It’s like fudge. People think it took you forever to make and that you’re the best person ever, but it’s so simple that you just smile at them benignly and keep saying, “It was no trouble at all.” They’ll think you’re gracious and brilliant, but you’ll actually be telling the truth.

Okay, enough wasting time. Do you have five minutes? Go make some bark!

Ingredients:

• 1 bag semi-sweet chocolate chips (about 11 oz.)
• 1 bag white chocolate chips (same size)
• 1/2 package Oreos

Instructions:

Using two microwave-safe bowls, melt the chocolates. Start with the semi-sweet. Heat for two minutes and stir, and then heat in 30-second intervals until melted and smooth, stirring after each interval. Do not overheat or the chocolate will burn. Note: the white chocolate melts faster, so be careful!

Line a cookie sheet or jelly roll pan with parchment paper. Spread the semi-sweet chocolate evenly over the pan, being sure that no area is significantly thinner or thicker than another.

Pour the white chocolate over the semi-sweet layer and carefully spread it out, creating light swirls as you go. Do not over-swirl the chocolate or you will lose the effect and just wind up with a color that looks like milk chocolate.

Using your hands, crumble the Oreos over the melted chocolate, creating pieces of varying sizes. Be sure to cover the whole area.

Put the bark in the refrigerator and chill until firm, anywhere from 30-45 minutes. You can leave it in longer if needed.

When you’re ready, break the bark into pieces with your hands. It will peel very easily off the parchment paper. Put the bark into an airtight container and refrigerate until you’re ready to serve. If you have the willpower to wait, that is!